Three days of (almost) total isolation in Logan...

I'm really putting forth a valiant effort to be sad and lonely ... but honestly, it's been pretty fun to just have time to myself to reflect on... absolutely nothing!
I do have to brag, though... I made sushi at about 2:00 am on Monday, and it was awesome. Here are pictures. It was my first attempt, and I'm a little impressed by myself!
I actually decided to try something new, even on my first try. I did half brown rice and half sushi rice, and surprisingly it held together well!
Aside from my culinary experiments, I've been able to take it easy and rejuvenate. Oh, and I actually got out last night. I watched a movie with Garrett, then went to dinner with Jon, Ben, Angella, and a new Russian girl named Svetlana (and she's gorgeous and soooo nice!), then went back to Garrett's and watched The Mothman Prophecies. Freaky, freaky movie! I had a difficult time coming home to an empty apartment... hahaha.
So now here's the big debate... I can go back to Roy or Salt Lake when I turn in the on-call phone tonight, drive to Roosevelt to be with my sisters, or I can stay in Logan and probably spend New Years' Eve with G or Jon and Ben. I have some pretty good options, and I'm not sure which to choose. All I know is that I'm excited for this new year to come... I've been waiting 20 years for it!
Oh, and updates on preparing for MCV - I'm down to 150, which is good considering I've been gorging myself on chocolates and other holiday treats. I'm right between a 9 and 7 right now, so wish me luck in the next three weeks!

Single White Female, Looking For That Perfect Lover...

There's a country song by Chely Wright that about sums it up. ->
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krzCeKZxfQ8

Or, if you are missing someone, I suggest this song by Darryl Worley. ->
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OOFN1z45CI&feature=channel

Anyway. I realized that I'm contradicting myself a lot lately. I rag on people who get married and have kids... but really, I do want that. Just not quite yet. Give me a couple more years. :)

Looking out the window tonight, I keep thinking that my love life is kind of like the seasons. It's great for a while, not so good, completely sucky, not too bad, then back to great. Sort of like the excitement and joy of a white winter, I love it while it's here, complain when it's gone, but I always know it'll come back. Stupid analogy, but at 1:00 am anything makes sense. Although, I'm not so sure that analogy will work so well once I really fall and stay in love... maybe that's like moving to the Yukon? I dunno.

Anyway, it's Christmas! I'm so excited. I thought I'd be asleep by now, but alas, I can't sleep.
I finally feel like my mom, Lynn, Heather, Chase, and I are a family now. It's an incredible feeling that hit me tonight. I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, the feeling will pass. I've never been so... satisfied... with my family situation as I am right now. I'm trying to find the depressed, cynical side of me, and I can't find her. She's gone, maybe for a few hours, maybe for a few days, maybe longer. But I love it. I don't miss her. She was always such a downer. :)

This year will be the first year in four years (yes, FOUR years!) that I don't have definite New Year's Eve plans, or a definite kiss-at-midnight partner. Rather than feeling depressed and sad about it, I'm pretty excited. I could drop in on any party I wanted and have a blast without worrying about pissing off my boyfriend with my incessant flirting. I have some friends who are visiting from out of town, so maybe I'll spend it with them. Or maybe I'll go to Roosevelt to see my sisters and brother. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll stay home with my mom and step-dad, watch the ball drop from the comfort of my living room, and soak up the family warmth. Who really know? Okay, truth be told, it would be AWESOME to hook up with someone right before New Year's Eve, and have like the "first kiss" at midnight, but my life is soooooo not a teen movie, so it's not happening. Besides, unless it could go somewhere eventually, I think I should lay off the kissing. It gets me into trouble. hahaha...

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'll post something new in the next couple of days.

Too Bad The Future Of Humanity Depends On It...

Dating completely sucks.
Especially when almost all the dates are blind.

I finally figured out why these guys I meet up in Logan or randomly through other people don't ask me out. I immediately put myself into sister/cool cousin mode so that I don't have to worry about flirting, making them 'want' me, or otherwise risking any sort of rejection. I become really good friends with people before they have a chance to decide if I'm dating material. Then, in their mind, I am at sister status. Sister status is great - unless you're looking to really start finding someone. But doing this to myself has become a habit. Rather than risk rejection, I pose myself as best friend with cool interests that aren't befitting a future girlfriend (i.e. hunting, snowboarding, heavy metal music, pranking).
A great example of this is the other night. I went to hang out with an old band buddy of mine, met one of his friends, immediately turned sister on him, and now we're really good friends. I sorta like him, which is the funny thing. I mean, it wouldn't have worked anyway because he has a girlfriend (why does that keep happening?)
Another example, with the aforementioned boy (see November posts), I have put myself on best friend status. Rather than risking getting too attached, I fell back (after I completely pissed him off because I got all girly and confronted him) and have completely distanced myself. Well, not completely. I still text him and talk to him. I'm slowly becoming more of a best friend or sister, and I'm okay with that. Mostly. The other part of me keeps saying "no no no! go for him still, don't back off!" But how do I compete with a semi-girlfriend who waited for him? I guess I don't. And when I tried to, it bit me in the butt.
So there we go. I will probably never be in another serious relationship, and I will probably never get married. I'm always going to be peoples' best friend or sister. Hm...
Oh, and the reason I wrote all of this is because I have another blind date tomorrow night. He's 23, a biological engineering major, and very cute. My problem is that I know I won't let myself like him. Last time I let myself fall, nothing caught me. I have some major issues. hahaha...
Do they have medication for this?
Mmm...
I think I want chocolate right now.

You may say I'm a dreamer... But I'm not the only one.

I'm not sure if I've just been spending way too much time inside my own head lately, or watching too many movies that leave me feeling poetic and profound. But I think I finally figured out why I have such a hard time going home, but then also such a hard time leaving.
I'm at that point in my life where I feel like everything should be falling into place. Well, things are falling alright, but not necessarily how I'd like them to. I love my family so much, but I have a difficult time saying that I'm "Going Home" for winter break. Roy is not my home, even though my mom and pop live there. For 18 months now, I've thought that Salt Lake City is my home, though I don't have a bed or even a couch to call my own. Surprisingly enough, (or maybe no so surprising), I can't even call Salt Lake home now. Where is home? It's certainly not USU... I still feel that if I had an opportunity somewhere else, I could be packed and racing down that highway in an hour. I love school, but that's not what's keeping me here.
USU is not my home. Salt Lake City is not my home. Roy is not my home. Sometime in the last six months, I've forgotten where home is. Until now.
Home isn't a place. It's not something tangible.
Home, for me, is a warm smile from a friend. It's playing DDR with my thirty-something sisters. It's a midnight drive with Alisa to buy oranges. It's a hug from Christy, my sister-in-spirit. It's laughing about professors and oboes with Josh. It's calling or texting David at 2:00 am, and knowing that he cares and listens. Home is the people I care about, and who care about me. I guess I'm lucky, because my home is always with me.
Even though I've been living in almost absolute isolation for the past four days, I haven't been scared or anxious. I'm finally living the dream. I'm no longer being held back by geographical loyalties. I love where I am in life right now. :-)

Beautiful

Tonight I went over to Greaves Hall to watch a movie with Kayla and some of her residents/friends. On the way back, I had one of those moments where it felt like I had just woken up from a wonderful sleep.
It was like... the silence pierced my soul. Every building was dark, but the streetlamps along the sidewalks made everything look so alive. The moon was bright, the sky was clear, and the snow is still untouched in most places. Even though it was freezing outside, I felt warm. I felt safe, though I was alone. The only sound I could hear was the snow crunching under my boots and the swish of my jeans. The feeling was one of absolute perfection and beauty, and it was incredible to be a part of such a moment. I wanted to keep walking, staring at the world in its white blanket. So soft. This earth really is a place of such exquisite beauty that we take advantage of.

New train of thought...

Since I apparently can't post anything about my life on here without at least one person freaking out, I'll change the format of this. From now on, I will only post things that do not in any way have anything to do with my feelings.

Christmas List!!!

Here are pictures of everything I would like (but likely won't get, but that's okay) for Christmas

The Great and Terrible series by Chris Stewart.

A video camera, preferably with burn to DVD option... but I'm not picky. :)
Rock Band - Because when I play, it's epic. (Usually because I destroy some portion of my body)

Snow boots that aren't white... every year I make the mistake of getting white boots.
I want a freaking Rubik's Cube!!! I solved one ONCE over the summer, and I want to do it again!

Who doesn't love and want to own Twister?

A pink toolset... classic. I just want a toolset, but I'll admit that if it was some cool color, I'd probably use it more...

Free weights for cardio... 5- and 8-lbs (10 is cool, but I'm a wussy)

Toilet Paper... you can never have enough.

A puppy!!! I crave companionship... hahaha

CTR ring... thankfully I lost mine, because my mom and I would have had the same one.. ew

A pretty yoga mat!

Now into the geek stuff...

Cane - Shaped and Gouged

Staples to put the cane on

Thread to wrap the cane to the staples

Steel string capo

Guitar stand

It Snowed!!!

It snowed!!! What a beautiful beginning to finals! (Although, Salt Lake City got more snow than this arctic tundra, but I won't complain about that now.)

And I might have a new plan for next year! It's very exciting!
I want to do something worthwhile, right? And I definitely need some time to rethink my life, now. So a couple of years ago I was looking into serving an ILP mission (International Language Program) and decided against it until after graduation. Now I've kept thinking I need to get away for a while, do something for the world, and take a break from school and my current life. :) So I'm looking into it again... and I'm pretty excited!