There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed...

So yesterday was so much easier than I thought it'd be. I had to remind myself to breathe a few times, but I think maybe the good weather helped me out a little as well.

I had a civil conversation with Ben yesterday... twice, actually. I realized I can wait as long as it takes, but it's still going to hurt. He's in Evanston right now, he interviewed for the job he'll be taking this summer and he's going to talk to his parents... about me. Ugh. I really hope they still like me after he tells them about this week.


I did start freaking out last night, getting lonely, detaching from my own mind, the works. Dane and Ryan came and gave me a blessing at 2 a.m. - I don't know what I'd do without the angels in my life.

I had a wicked cool dream last night, though. I was at Ben's cabin (I don't even think he has one, hahaha) and I walked outside for a few minutes and suddenly heard shooting, saw people running toward the house, and ran as hard as I could to get back inside and warn everyone that we were under attack. As I was closing the door, the guy closest to me shattered a vase or something and a chunk went into my leg. I kept running, slammed the door, and bolted it. I yelled to everyone to hide behind something, and ran after Ben down the hallway. We grabbed rifles from a room, he tossed me a .22, and we quietly walked back through the house to see if anyone was inside. We heard a scream, and Ben ran along the wall to give me cover, and I bolted under a stairwell and aimed upwards toward a loft. The guy jumped down, and instead of turning on me, turned on Ben and fired. It missed, and it gave enough time for Ben to get his sights on him steadily, but I walked in front of the guy and as he tried to shoot at me, I shot him. Then I fell because the glass shard (which was originally in my leg, but hey it was a dream) was slicing its way through my back. Ben pushed me back under the stairs and we waited to see if things were clear. It was totally one of the coolest dreams I've ever had. I think I watch way too many action movies.

I was thinking about going on a road trip tonight, and driving up above Huntsville. I used to visit a dude ranch up on Ant Flat Road, called the Rockin' C Ranch. I think it'd be fun to drive by and see how things have changed.

My other choice is to go to the Blue Carpet Ball tonight. I really want to go, but since Ben bummed out on me (and he bummed out on me for True Aggie Night last night, too) I don't know if it'd be too weird to go alone. Well, I'll be with Louise and Kayla, possibly Nicole, but I don't know. I'll see how I'm feeling in a few hours. I sorta wanna go back to bed and have another cool dream. :-)

Wish I could remember...

So I wish I could remember everything that was said in my talk with Chelsea last night. Somehow she saved me from myself, and I can't even remember what she said. I remember a few things that I really appreciated.
- Your greatest joys can only equal your greatest sorrows. Without experiencing extreme sorrow, and remorse, you'll never fully appreciate the joy and happiness you'll experience later.
- Satan knows when we're about to experience something wonderful. He will tear us down as far as he can right before to try to keep us from that happiness.
- Someday, I'll look back on this and realize that it needed to happen for a reason. Although, maybe I've found my reason.

Recently, I've fallen away from the church again. I read my scriptures here and there, and I pray sometimes, but I'm not as active as I was in November/December. I've always known that I don't turn to my Heavenly Father as much as I should when things are going my way, so just call me Israel. :) He has helped me through a lot the past few days... with a little help from Chelsea and Nicole, too!

It's such a beautiful evening right now, and I'm stuck inside working in the office until 10:00 p.m. I hope everyone out there is having a great night!

I'm posting the last few things I've watched on YouTube. Provide someone with entertainment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEId2nnC9NE
beautiful song from Andy Davis

Incredible!

So, I've noticed that when I'm hurting, it progressively gets worse. Last night I thought I was going to explode. It took everything I had (and a couple hours in fetal position on the floor) to keep myself together... until I realized that I'm going to be just fine. I survived my parents' divorce. I survived a close friend dying. I survived the Trans-Siberian Orchestra (which was so worth it, but I had a major headache afterward).
I survived a relationship of two years breaking into pieces... though probably because it was my choice.
I survived being completely rejected by a best-friend-turned-love-interest... who turned out to be heavy into drugs.
I survived being swept off my feet, then being tossed aside for another girl... and they ended up breaking up anyway.
I survived letting myself fall in love... and it was worth it to open myself up.
I survived being afraid... because I knew I would be grateful.
I will survive this. In fact, it will make me stronger. Whatever Ben chooses to do... I fell in love. It's real. It's there. I can feel it. If he decides he doesn't want me, it will be hard. But I can't give up. I'm not the first person to have their heart broken. But I sure will miss him. So much.

This helps too. I go crazy and dance around. Not a permanent fix, but it makes me remember that I'm still me. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8ATwgpuXY

Ben asked for time. I really have no idea why that hurts so much. I wish I could understand why I can't control my emotions lately, hahaha.
I'll wait.
Ben is amazing. I know he loves me, even though he's angry right now.
I miss holding him, though. I miss being held. I miss his kisses. I can't remember a kiss before his. I don't want to imagine any other.
I don't want any other. This is the first relationship I really haven't had any other dating-interests. That's why I'll wait. I want eternity in this one. I can see it.

If I could turn back time

I stopped writing because I was sick and tired of people asking me about my blog... outside my blog. Like, in person. "Oh, wow, you took a car trip!" or "Wow, that guy you talked about was a total douche-bag..." isn't really what I want to talk about on a daily basis. I put things on here because it makes me feel like I'm sharing my life without going through the effort of telling people in person.


So here goes. In the last three months, so much has changed. I got over the Logan thing. (that was his name, I'm not sure if I ever said that...) I also got over the Sean thing (which I'm not so sure I wrote about, but we'll pretend I did).


The last time I posted, I wrote about my Roosevelt trip to play with the band. On the car ride back, Ben Hutchinson rode with me. The night we got back, we went on a really long walk (we're talking 3.5 hours here, marathon!) then the next night he made me dinner. Aaaaaaaaaaand we watched a movie. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we cuddled. And kissed. And made-out. We both expressed that we hated NCMOs, that we'd liked each other for a while, and decided to become official. We even posted it on Facebook at 3:00 a.m. Go us.


So Ben and I have been dating for three months now. He met my family after one week, at my grandfather's funeral. I met his a week later, just because he felt it was fair. For the first six weeks we didn't so much as get in a heated discussion about anything. For two weeks, we fought constantly. Since, we've had little spats here and there. But this, right now, is the worst it's been.


We've talked about marriage. About getting engaged sometime in the next year to 18 months. That should make me feel secure. But somehow I really managed to destroy things last night. Ouch.


Ben hung out with Sara last night, a girl I don't know at all. I know who she is, and I know only what people have told me about her. Thus, I got pretty jealous when they were hanging out alone together last night and I wasn't invited. I have always believed that once you start dating, you forego alone time with friends of the opposite sex. Apparently I'm the only one who believes this. I had told Ben I was okay with it on Sunday, but by Tuesday (and it was a rough day anyway) I was feeling less alright with the idea. They made better-than-sex cake and then watched a movie. I know Ben would never cheat on me, but this girl has liked Ben before and they've gone on dates... so the green jealousy monster came out.


I got upset and over text I told Ben I wasn't comfortable with it at all. He responded not so kindly, I responded to that even less kindly... then when we saw each other face to face I broke down. I got hysterical. I couldn't understand why he felt the need to have "Ben and Sara" time. I had given up spending time with Jared, Trevor, and David once Ben and I dated because I thought that's what you did in a committed relationship. He doesn't see it the same, and told me I had taken away his freedom. Which I had. Which I was doing. But usually that's what you do, you give up certain freedoms or pleasures in exchange for a true, unconditional love, right? Ugh. Today, nothing got resolved. But I realized that I was justified in being upset, but I majorly overreacted. I tried to tell him how I felt, but apparently I just made things worse. I had written to Sara asking her if we could get to know each other, get lunch or something. Instead of replying, she told Ben and they decided they couldn't be friends anymore. Which wasn't what I wanted. So I feel awful. I've destroyed a friendship for my own selfish reasons. And what's worse, now that I've forsaken my best friends (because they're all guys) to make Ben my top priority, I have nobody to talk to now. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to cry to. Usually I would cry to Ben, but he doesn't want to see me for a few days.

I'm a jealous brat. Someone should euthanize me.