If I could turn back time

I stopped writing because I was sick and tired of people asking me about my blog... outside my blog. Like, in person. "Oh, wow, you took a car trip!" or "Wow, that guy you talked about was a total douche-bag..." isn't really what I want to talk about on a daily basis. I put things on here because it makes me feel like I'm sharing my life without going through the effort of telling people in person.


So here goes. In the last three months, so much has changed. I got over the Logan thing. (that was his name, I'm not sure if I ever said that...) I also got over the Sean thing (which I'm not so sure I wrote about, but we'll pretend I did).


The last time I posted, I wrote about my Roosevelt trip to play with the band. On the car ride back, Ben Hutchinson rode with me. The night we got back, we went on a really long walk (we're talking 3.5 hours here, marathon!) then the next night he made me dinner. Aaaaaaaaaaand we watched a movie. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we cuddled. And kissed. And made-out. We both expressed that we hated NCMOs, that we'd liked each other for a while, and decided to become official. We even posted it on Facebook at 3:00 a.m. Go us.


So Ben and I have been dating for three months now. He met my family after one week, at my grandfather's funeral. I met his a week later, just because he felt it was fair. For the first six weeks we didn't so much as get in a heated discussion about anything. For two weeks, we fought constantly. Since, we've had little spats here and there. But this, right now, is the worst it's been.


We've talked about marriage. About getting engaged sometime in the next year to 18 months. That should make me feel secure. But somehow I really managed to destroy things last night. Ouch.


Ben hung out with Sara last night, a girl I don't know at all. I know who she is, and I know only what people have told me about her. Thus, I got pretty jealous when they were hanging out alone together last night and I wasn't invited. I have always believed that once you start dating, you forego alone time with friends of the opposite sex. Apparently I'm the only one who believes this. I had told Ben I was okay with it on Sunday, but by Tuesday (and it was a rough day anyway) I was feeling less alright with the idea. They made better-than-sex cake and then watched a movie. I know Ben would never cheat on me, but this girl has liked Ben before and they've gone on dates... so the green jealousy monster came out.


I got upset and over text I told Ben I wasn't comfortable with it at all. He responded not so kindly, I responded to that even less kindly... then when we saw each other face to face I broke down. I got hysterical. I couldn't understand why he felt the need to have "Ben and Sara" time. I had given up spending time with Jared, Trevor, and David once Ben and I dated because I thought that's what you did in a committed relationship. He doesn't see it the same, and told me I had taken away his freedom. Which I had. Which I was doing. But usually that's what you do, you give up certain freedoms or pleasures in exchange for a true, unconditional love, right? Ugh. Today, nothing got resolved. But I realized that I was justified in being upset, but I majorly overreacted. I tried to tell him how I felt, but apparently I just made things worse. I had written to Sara asking her if we could get to know each other, get lunch or something. Instead of replying, she told Ben and they decided they couldn't be friends anymore. Which wasn't what I wanted. So I feel awful. I've destroyed a friendship for my own selfish reasons. And what's worse, now that I've forsaken my best friends (because they're all guys) to make Ben my top priority, I have nobody to talk to now. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to cry to. Usually I would cry to Ben, but he doesn't want to see me for a few days.

I'm a jealous brat. Someone should euthanize me.